The last few weeks have been one HUGE event after the other. This week is a wait week. It’s been a time of reflection in the lull between the blood tests and the ultrasound (that has been moved up to next Thurs or Fri!).
So what exactly does it feel like now that our son is growing inside Brandi’s oven?
The emotions are… intense. A mix of natural emotions I anticipated with ones I am still trying to fully understand. The ones I can’t google because a TINY percentage of human beings have been in this situation.
Grateful:
I think anyone that has gone through this process can agree – the gratefulness that you feel as an Intending Mom to your Surrogate is almost overwhelming. Its like you want to scream thank you a million times over from the roof tops, shower them in praise, give them every gift imaginable as a sign of appreciation.
Yet…you don’t want to smother them.
You have to almost contain it to a degree its just so enormous and nothing you do ever feels….enough.
Attached:
I was attached to the idea of this baby well before I met Brandi. We knew someone in our family was missing over a year ago. And as their mama it was my job to do whatever I could do to get them here. And Brandi allowed me to do that – aka the grateful emotion <3.
I loved my son when he was just an idea in my head. The night of the transfer when we had to leave Brandi after hanging out with her (and him) for the day…Brandi can tell you I put my hand on her stomach, lingered a moment, and said, “Its hard to leave him”. I miss him. Although pregnancy was a nightmare for me I miss feeling the little things that remind me this baby is real and growing right now.
Guilt:
Brandi is strong and humble. If I have learned anything any woman who decides to do this, to be a surrogate, HAS to be stronger than most. And Brandi – she’s a warrior truly. From vomiting from the drugs before she was even pregnant to suffering from pregnancy brain, absolute exhaustion, and vertigo she is in a battle right now. It has not been easy on her. And there is guilt.
Mama to mama guilt.
This mama is raising her 4 kids while growing mine and she feels like this because of me. As much as I feel attached to Baby Daudelin I feel protective of my unicorn. I want to take it all away. I want to make it….better. And I want to do all this with out ever coming across as overbearing.
So many fine lines in this process.
Its a mix of natural reactions with very unique emotions only surrogacy brings. I promised raw and real posts – this one being one of the most vulnerable. But I hope it helps someone out there. That maybe when you google these things one day a result will pop up…
What’s next in the schedule of events?
Well our ultrasound to confirm heartbeat (!!!!!!) and how many are in there was supposed to be Nov 6. However, with how Brandi is feeling they wanted to add in an additional ultrasound next Thurs or Fri! Hopefully they can adjust Brandi’s dosages so she feels better. Please pray or send your thoughts to her right now.
We love you unicorn.
Source: Google Images
Our Bun, Brandi's Oven 